Apple butter: Don't try this at home.

This fall, it seems like everywhere I go (virtually, that is) people are raving about apple butter and cooking up there own batches at home. I wondered what the all fuss was about. I mean, it's basically applesauce, right? I figured I'd give it a try and see what I was missing.

After roughly twelve hours, a few gallons of boiling water, and an impossibly sticky saucepan, I came to the conclusion that all the effort involved in making apple butter was not entirely worth the end result.

I followed a pretty standard recipe--peeled apples boiled in cider then pureed, seasoned with a mix of white and brown sugar and my favorite apple spice mix (cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla, orange zest, star anise), and then cooked on the stovetop (some recipes recommended putting it in the oven) for what seemed like an eternity until it became a dark, rich caramel color. I added my own twist by including a good-sized knob of peeled ginger with the apples. What I ended up with was a tangy, sweet, melt-in-your-mouth...applesauce. Folks, you heard it hear first: the "butter" of "apple butter" is a complete misnomer.

All that aside, though, it was pretty damn tasty. What ruined it for me was the canning. Oh, the canning. This is really a labor of love. In my first go-round, I scrubbed the cans and lids, dried them, then heated the cans in the oven. When the butter was ready, I filled the hot jars, screwed the lids on tight, then boiled them for ten minutes. After boiling, I took them out and waited. Waited and waited and waited for that mythic ping that is supposed to sound when the air releases from the can and indicates that your can is sealed and ready for safe storage.

The ping never came.

Another sign that the can has sealed properly is a concave lid. If the lid is bent, that means the seal has formed and your canning was a success. I couldn't tell if the lid was down. It looked the same as it did screwed onto an empty jar. What to do?

That's right, princess. Can them again.

So I opened up the jars, emptied my apple butter into a saucepan to reheat, and got to work on sterilizing a new set of jars. This time, I scrubbed them, boiled them empty, and then kept the jars hot in the oven. Again, I filled them (just to within 1/4" of the top of the jar, mind you), and boiled the jars for ten minutes. A wiser cook than me, schooled in the ways of apple-buttery, recommended I turn the jars on their heads upon removing them from the water. That I did, and guess what happened? My lids were concave and my jars were sealed. Still no ping! But I did some more research and learned that sometimes the ping happens while the jars are boiling, so nothing to fear there.

Exhausting, right? It's too bad, really, because before this butter-making I was entertaining some pretty ambitious ideas for making blueberry preserves (you remember the blueberries) and giving them away as Christmas presents.

I think this holiday season I may just get more creative with cookies.